Telling Kids the Whole Truth

Several weeks ago, I got a call from a good friend whose husband had just been diagnosed with prostate cancer. "Do we tell the kids?" she asked.

"Absolutely," I answered.

"Do we use the C-word?"

"Yes, I think you do," I said. "The boys deserve to know the truth, however heartbreaking it is."

Adults always insist that children be honest, but how many of us are honest with our kids, particularly about the tough stuff: death, sex, corruption, our own failings?

I believe in telling children the truth. I believe this is vital for their understanding of the world, their confidence and the development of their morals and values.

This does not mean kids need to be unnecessarily frightened, or told more than they can handle. When our son was 6, he tagged along while his older sister got her nose-ring changed. In the shop, he sifted through a big bin of brightly packaged condoms. "What are these?" he asked.

"Condoms," I replied.

"What are they for," he asked. Briefly, I explained what condoms are, precisely where you put them and how they work.

"Oh," he said, clearly disappointed, I think, that they weren\'t candy. It wasn\'t a lot of information, but it was the truth.

Many people think they are protecting children when they spare them the truth. I disagree. I believe children possess an enviable ability to cope with and make sense of what even adults find confounding; they can accept the unacceptable in a way that astonishes me.

When we are honest with children, we also validate their intuition. If we can admit that, yes, people can be mean, grandma does have a drinking problem, divorce is painful, we allow children to trust their gut. They can begin to recognize and rely on their own inner voice, which will speak to them throughout their lives.

Kids also have an uncanny sense of when something is up: They know a fake smile when they see one, they realize when we\'re uneasy, they can tell when we\'re lying.

One night, I was in the car with our two oldest daughters. It was dark and cozy — the perfect time for a heart-to-heart conversation. Out of the blue, one of our kids asked, "So, Mom, have you ever smoked pot?" I stalled a little, but the girls persisted. They had me, and they knew it. So I told them the truth, albeit somewhat abridged. What ensued was a frank discussion about the lures and perils of drugs, well worth any discomfort. I believe my honesty was much more effective than warnings or platitudes.

Time marches on, and so do children. These same daughters are in college now; we have two other kids still at home. And while I have made plenty of mistakes as a parent, I do have clear and open relationships with each of our kids. I believe that my being truthful with our children has paid off, because I\'m pretty sure that now they are honest with me.

告诉孩子真相——“我相信”系列

几周前，我接到一位朋友的电话，她的丈夫刚刚被确诊为前列腺癌。“要告诉孩子们吗？”她问道。
我回答说，“当然拉。”
“要说得了癌症吗？”
我说，“是的，我想你们应该告诉他们。尽管孩子们会伤心，但是他们有权知道真相。”
大人们总是坚持认为孩子们应该诚实，但是有多少人能够对自己的孩子做到诚实呢？尤其是在面对诸如死亡、性、堕落、以及失败的难题面前。
我相信应该告诉孩子们真相。我确信这对他们了解世界，建立自信以及发展自己道德价值 观非常要。
这并不意味着孩子们需要承受不必要的恐惧，或是告诉超过他们所能处理的范围。当我儿子6岁的时候，他通常紧跟在不时更换鼻环的姐姐身后。在商店里，他仔细审视这一大盒包装艳丽的避孕套。他问，“这是什么？”
“避孕套”，我答道。
“做什么用的？”他问。我简要地解释了什么是避孕套，并精确地告诉他这是用在什么地方的，以及如何使用。
“哦，”他带着失望的语气说，“那不是糖呀。”不需要说太多，只要是事实就好。
很多人认为，他们不想让孩子知道真相，是在保护他们。可我并不这么看。我相信，儿童拥有一个令人羡慕的能力，他们能够处理和理解成年人甚至混淆的事情；他们以一种方式接受不能接受的事情的能力令我震惊。
我们对孩子们诚实的同时，也验证他们的直觉。如果我们承认事实，奶奶的确嗜酒，离婚确实很痛苦，那么我们会让孩子们更加确信他们的直觉。他们会开始认识到，忠于内心感受，这将使他们受益终身。
孩子们也有异乎寻常的感觉：他们知道谁是假笑，会意识到我们的不安，还会知道我们是不是撒谎了。
一天晚上，我和两个女儿坐在车里。黑暗且友好，正好适合推心置腹地交谈。不料，一个孩子问我，“妈妈，那你从未吸过大麻吗？”我停顿了一下，可是女孩们坚持认为我吸过。唉，让她们看穿了，她们知道我做过。因此，我告诉了她们实情，尽管有所删节。随后是一个关于诱惑和危险药物的坦诚探讨，没有任何不快。我相信诚实比警告或老生常谈有效得多。
时光飞逝，孩子们也在成长。我这两个女儿已经上大学了，目前还有两个孩子在家。尽管作为家长，我也犯过很多错误，可是我确实开诚布公地对待每一位孩子。我相信，与孩子真诚相待已初见成效，因为我十分确信他们也在真诚待我。

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