Becoming a Parent Is a Gift

I no longer believe my wife and I are going to have a baby the old-fashioned way, but I no longer think this really matters. I believe in adoption now. Four months ago, the Chinese government accepted our dossier. In the next year or two, a little girl will be born and her parents will not want her. My wife and I will fly to China to meet this girl and bring her home with us.

When I was a teenager, everyone said becoming a parent was easy — so easy, I had to be careful not to do it accidentally. I guess it's easy for a lot of other people, but not for me and my wife.

I'm 39. My wife is 31. For the last two years, I've watched this woman I love inject herself with needles full of hormone syrup. She got huge bruises on each side of her waist.

Our friends would bring their kids over to visit and we'd hang up their tiny coats, hoping some magic would rub off on our hands. When it didn't, we started avoiding any place we'd see the one thing we wanted so desperately. Our own neighborhood became awkward. The woman across the street emerged in the spring with a giant belly. My wife and I stopped going to parks and matinees. Taking our clothes off became a medical procedure; we obeyed the calendar instead of each other's eyes. I'd see young couples pushing strollers in the grocery store and I'd taste jealousy like pennies in my mouth. I used to believe that becoming a parent was part of our biology. It was something everyone could do. When I couldn't make a baby, I felt a little less human.

I teach in a prison, a medium-security facility full of men. I help guys write letters when they ask. Most of the letters are to girlfriends and ex-wives. I don't see long letters to children. I feel lost opportunity all around me. I can see that becoming a parent is much more than our biology.

I now believe that becoming a parent is a gift you make to the universe and that the universe makes to you. Now, I want my family to include a little girl who looks nothing like me or my wife. Someday I'll lean across a table and cut this little girl's green beans. I'll meet her teachers. I'll see her bicycle standing in the garage. I love the idea that this girl will grow up to be a woman and still look nothing like me, but whenever she hears the word "dad," she'll think of me.

People think we're good or generous because we're giving a home to an orphan, and giving her a family but the truth is she'll be giving us a family. I believe in adoption because it will make me the man I want to be: a father.

为人父母是一种赐予----“我相信”系列

    我不再像过去那样相信我和妻子会有一个孩子，不过同时，我也不再觉得这算得了什么。现在，我相信领养。四个月以前，中国政府接受了我们的申请和档案，不出一两年的时间，有一个小女孩会在中国出生，而她的父母不想要她。我和妻子将飞到中国，见这个小女孩，然后，带她回家。

    少不更事的年岁，耳边常有人说，弄出个孩子来太容易了，容易得我甚至必须要保持警惕--不要一不小心当了爸爸。现在，我想，要个孩子对大多数人来说都是容易的，但是对我和我的妻子，却不是。

    我今年39岁，我的妻子31。在过去的两年里，我亲眼看着这个我深爱的女人，一次次地举起针管，向她的身体里注射激素。她腰的两侧，都已经青肿得不成样子。

    以前，朋友们常会带他们的孩子来看我们，我们把玩、摩挲着那些可爱的小小的衣服，梦想着某种神奇的力量会传到我们的手上。然而当所有的幻想破灭的时候，我们开始避免去任何会勾起我们心中百般渴望的场所。熟悉的邻里，突然开始变得陌生而尴尬。街对面的那个女人从春天起渐渐隆起了腹部。妻子和我不再去公园，也不去看什么午后场了。轻解罗衣变成了可怕的医疗步骤；我们恭谨地按着日历来，不再注视彼此的双眸。当我看到年轻的夫妇推着婴儿车走在食品店里的时候，我体味到一种深深的苦涩，羡慕、嫉妒像针一样刺痛在心上。我曾经深信生儿育女是人类再简单不过的生物机能，每个人都能做到，然而我却不能，这时候，我感到了一丝不配为人。

    我在一所中等戒备的监狱里教书，那里面几乎全是男人。当他们需要的时候，我帮助他们写信。大多数信都是给女朋友或者前妻的，没看到过给孩子的长信。我强烈地感受到那种身为人父，却有子不能教的失落和悲哀。我明白：为人父母，不仅仅是我们的生物机能，远比此更多。 

    现在我相信为人父母是你给宇宙的一个赐予，也是宇宙对你的一个赐予。现在，我希望，我的家里会有一个小女孩，虽然她看起来不像我，也不像我的妻子。以后，我会在餐桌旁，俯身帮小小的她把碗里的豆角切碎。我会见她的老师。我会看到她的自行车支在车库。我会欣喜地看着这个小女孩长大成人为人妻为人母但是仍旧看起来跟我一点也不像，但是无论她在何时何地听到“爸爸”这个词，她会想起我。（这段写得好感动，cut this little girl's green beans 是说改缺点？）

 

    人们觉得我们是好人或者我们很慷慨，因为我们给了一个孤苦伶仃的孩子一个家。但是事实是，这个孩子，她给了我们一个家。我相信领养，因为领养成全了我：做一个父亲。